All winemakers live in a fantasy world. But, we are not as bad as surgeons. I should have reminded myself of this as I listened to Dr. Ima Gonnacutu. “This operation is a piece of cake,” he insisted. “You will be up and going in no time at all. Why you will be driving in a week.” Four weeks later… “Give it sometime. This was a major operation. We had to do a little more than we thought. We cut this and we cut that. This was a three hour operation. These operations aren’t simple you know.” I knew better. I was raised by Doctors.

I got up at 5:00 in the morning and checked into Saint Mary’s. I was handed the traditional blue gown and to my surprise white panty hose. “Put this on" the nurse commanded. I stared at the panty hose. It did have a blue band around the waste. I hesitated. “Don’t worry. I am an expert on selecting the right size,” she said. I have to admit the panty hose fit perfectly. “I would prefer black,” I said. “This is Saint Mary’s dear,” she answered. “We don’t want you looking like one of the Sisters.”

The Cutter’s assistant came in next. The Cutter is what I call my Doctor. “It’s the left shoulder isn’t it?” he asked. This made me a little nervous. I managed a nod. He took out a felt pen and wrote on my left shoulder, “This one.” This made me more nervous.

The Anesthesiologist was grinning as he suddenly appeared at my side during the long ride down to surgery. I had a moment of fear that he was laughing at me in my panty hose. It is hard to look cool on a gurney. But, I could have pulled off a brooding Hamlet if they had let me wear black.

“I want to deaden some nerves,” he said. “That way, it won’t hurt as much.” I should have given this more consideration. It was kind of un-nerving the way he just showed up. They must have already been feeding me something from that bag that was stuck into my arm because I thought this was a really good idea. Without any hesitation, “Do it,” I said. “Great”’ he replied. “I need you awake so I will give you a sedative that will make you just a little loopy.” “That would be nice,” I said. We were both grinning. I was sure he was my friend.

Lesson one: If you are feeling a little loopy don’t tell your favorite Doctor joke. Doctors don’t have a well-developed sense of humor. “So,” I said a little loopy to the Doctors and nurses who had just walked in to the operating room and were taking their positions around me. “Why do Doctors where surgical gloves?” No one answered. “So they won’t leave finger prints.” I roared, very pleased with my delivery. I was the only one who laughed.

Lesson two: Don’t flirt with the Anesthesiologist's love interest. “Sorry I am late,” she said. “No problem,” he answered. “We are just getting started.” I looked up at her. She was adjusting her mask. “You are beautiful,” I said. “Thank you”, she answered. I smiled at her. We looked into each others eyes. I was about to speak again when the Anesthesiologist stepped from behind me to stand between us. “Could you move back a little please?” I asked. He put his face up to mine and said, “Goodnight.”

I woke up in recovery, the smell and taste of poisonous gas on my lips and lungs. I wondered what the hell he had used on me and how much I had paid for him to do it. I never saw my doctor but he must have been there. My left side was completely wrapped and bound. I couldn’t move. A nurse came over immediately. “You ready to go upstairs?” she asked. “Yes” I said. “Is there a phone number written on my forehead?” “No,” she answered. “Maybe I should keep you down here a little longer for more observation.” “Rats.” The Anesthesiologist must have crammed something down my throat. My guess was he wasn’t too gentle when he removed it either. I could barely speak. I pointed to my lips. “Would you like some ice?” she asked. I gratefully nodded yes.

If this were the movies, her phone number would have been there. Then again it is my blog. “Yes,” answered the nurse adjusting her glasses. “It says, ‘I’m dumping him. Call me’ and it is accompanied by a number.” I closed my eyes and smiled. “Get me upstairs,” I said. “I have things to do.”